Beach etiquette 101: Here are the unwritten rules for RI's beaches
Mark Patinkin- Rhode Island beach commandments: Thou shalt not blast music, block ocean views, or feed seagull gangs.
- Etiquette matters: Keep the beach fun, respect sandcastles, and let Del’s be straw-free.
It was a daunting assignment – one that cuts to the heart of the Rhode Island summer soul.
Could I write a story about beach etiquette?
I am not sure I am worthy of the task, but here are humble suggestions at bringing order to the chaos.
Spatial awareness
Don’t be the beach version of that guy who sits next to you on a half-empty train car. If, after you settle into your chosen patch of sand, the person on the adjoining towel is able to put sunscreen on your back simply by reaching with a bent elbow, you are too close.
Towel shaking
It is an inviolable law of physics that sand whipped off fabric flies farther with the wind than expected. This makes it a good idea to assess the breeze before shaking your towel to avoid beach-rage incidents with downwind victims.
You are a beachgoer, not a DJ
Just … don’t. If you need your beach day to have a backbeat, God made AirPods for a reason. Similarly, if your kids start yelling too loud, please put them on vibrate.
The two-trip max rule
Beach packing is an art, and most can get by fine with chairs, chow and towels. Maybe add an umbrella, toys and a bag of, you know, stuff, such as your emotional support fleece and security water bottle. You should be able to make that in one trip from the parking lot, two max. Three trips? That’s squatting, not beaching.
The seagull dilemma
I can’t deny that I’ve tossed things like bread and chips to seagulls to watch them fight over them. But that was at empty beaches. At crowded ones, the result is emboldened gulls stealing pizza and the like from shocked human hands. So please be aware that the Mary Poppins song “Feed the Birds” does not apply.
Respect water views
One might not have to worry about this at an exclusive spot like Bailey’s Beach, which only accepts you if your great-great-grandfather built a continental railroad. By contrast, Rhode Island’s public beaches can be a mob of humanity. But one still retains the basic right – reiterated on our license plates – to see the ocean. So please don’t block the 70ish couple behind you with your popup sand-tent.
Respect future architects
Sometimes, child-dug moats and the like can get in the way of walking the water’s edge. Nevertheless, do not bother kids building sandcastles or similar edifices. Their right to do so is protected by the “Pursuit of Happiness” clause in the Declaration of Independence, not to mention being a rite of Rhode Island summer.
The Tom Brady exception
Unless you have seven Super Bowl rings as a quarterback, do not pass a football back and forth over grandmothers seated on beach chairs. Or over anyone for that matter. Better to chuck it away from the sand – to your 13-year-old in waist-deep water so he can splash down after a hero catch, thinking a pro scout just noticed.
The Roger Federer allowance
As long as you’re not sending orbs into someone’s clam chowder, beach paddleball at the water’s edge is also a rite of summer and should apply to the “tan-and-let-live” rule. On the other hand, if someone’s chowder isn’t white, is it really chowder?
Del's protocol
Although Del’s slush tends to melt on hot beach days, it is still a Rhode Island faux pas to order a cup with a straw. The sight of someone sipping Del’s through such a cylindrical utensil will deeply offend Rhode Island purists.
The aesthetics directive
I’m sorry, but in the interest of not scaring the wildlife, or fellow humans, men with potbellies larger than 100-pound pumpkins should reconsider any urge to wear a Speedo.
Appreciating the non-tenderfoots
On broiling days, always give a nod of respect to the grace-under-pressure folks who slowly walk barefoot on hot sand instead of doing the quick-step shuffle.
A final box to check
Always scout out clam shacks in range of your route home. Because … is it really a Rhode Island beach day if you don’t score a lobster roll?